Fucking awesome today is my birthday 6 years longer than it should have been, yes I am 46 fucking years old my time limit was 40. AWESOME. But I did figure it out, it came to me yesterday. From a peice I wrote it must have been karma. I would love to say some days are better than others but really they are not. Unless I'm in the room with another human being or being spoken to. But left to my own devices I can't make any promises, not anymore. Long days long nights. Unless I'm put in a the care of the one that helped to cripple this
Get a grip, right? When your young it's so easy to do. I should know I did it, I fought for myself preservation on a daily basis because I had something to fight for. So shut the fuck up. Point to it now tell me what it is that I have. I have nothing anymore. I'm not published, I'm not teaching, I can't grip a knife, pull a trigger, no husband, no life, I go back and forth when I can't handle things so guess what "IT'S ME" it always has been, and I can't get a grip, try telling a cancer patient to "get over it" or someone with diabetes "suck it up" I've done all of the above. I was in "remission" the easiest way to look at it when you have had this disease your whole life but have either hid it, medicated it and did well, then BBBBOOOOOMMMMM the trauma yes dears the new traumas (as if the old traumas weren't bad enough...and they were pretty fucked up childhood traumas) To have adult to most they would be normal traumas well except for the getting the shit beat out of you trauma, and watching for a split second as he tried to beat the shit out of your kids. But when you were at work finding out he did what he did. Yes dears those traumas. But hey he is so fucking awesome now and I'm a liar. But I won't mention the other part because he's got someone so fucked up in the head with bullshit.
But it's okay I don't care anymore, apparently mothers are a dime a dozen what am I talking about I didn't even have one. Well, they will grow to learn you will miss what you once had even if she was crazy because here's the deal. I DO love those kids and I had to let them go when the time was right. Each one practically sprinted from me. Jacob joined the Army and I never saw him again but three times, Jeremy left for Austin and I never saw him again, but once, and then there was Sarah Diann I am not even going to mention a word. It's a stab in my back and a stab in the face a stab in my heart over and over and over. Teenage angst, girls, the things they go through that boys do not, and Why can't you be like other moms, normal". This is the funny thing, I knew when I was pregnant with her that she was going to hate me. I don't know how but I just did. I never told her this ever ever ever ever ever ever. Out of fear I suppose of not living up to her expectations.
Don't worry I am not lookiing for the mother daughter relationship in movies how gross...I just want a relationship built on love and trust. You are my best friend and you are brutally honest with me, and know everything there is to know about me. You are just like me in so many ways, in too many ways, so I can't be THAT bad. To me you are perfection, and beauty and a gift from God just like the boys. So talented and gifted. All three of my children, artists, musicians, intellectuals and hard workers so yes work ethic and proper manners. Thank YOU for keeping all those in your repetoire. So Happy Birthday to me. Those are the reminders to me that make my birthdays worth while that my job was well done. And do these creatures know how to have a good time yes they do, and I am glad for that. Can they look at a beautiful day and say holy fuck I'm taking advantage of this shit...yes they can. so Happy Birthday to me. Here's to being 46 six years passed my expiration date.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Sunday, May 20, 2012
I won't even begin to discuss what's brought me here. The humiliation of mother's day. The non stop crying. Going back on medication. The suicidal ideations daily, hourly, and sometimes moment to moment. I knew I was going to return to my brother and sister and law's house this month, but the events leading up to this were unexpected and had I not left, there is probably no telling where I might have ended up. May has not been one of my better months. I made a choice a few months ago to go off meds because I felt like I could and plus they just weren't working for me. But as I'm finding out right now is not a good time to make this change.
The sweet taste of defeat ran across my lips.I mean really, as if the tears and anguish weren't bad enough, now just defeat. I couldn't stop those bitter and sad tears from falling. The days of pacing and raging." Would this be the day?", God damn I want to do it so bad but how, to make sure it's permanent, and I mean fucking permanent and instant within minutes, so there's no turning back, and NO CELL PHONE, I asked...how? how? how? without it getting fucked up. My heart had been ripped out, oh but not before the sharp blade had stabbed through the bones and you could feel and hear the cracking of bones. OH no not before you could feel the bleed. THEN could my heart be ripped out. That beautiful heart. But who gives a fuck right? it's only me and it's only mine.
Noone's listening, and if they are you know what they are saying. I can tell you. "Whatever, she wants attention" because she's been, "the bold, strong, survivor" or "the liar" so who cares. So it's like I'm in a well it's only my echo, the same sound reverberating. Over and over. Even if I scream no one will hear me. My heart is hurting and, yes, still beating to the point that I think it will explode with the pound. The pound, like a drum. It's still beating you see, and it's on display for everyone to see.
The bloodstained sadness, the tearstreaked madness. For everyone to see, and noone to notice. It's only me, "the bold one" so shake it free, let it be. So I retreat. Once again in defeat. So I take my bow.
I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired, years and years of being tired of being tired and not your kind of tired.
The sweet taste of defeat ran across my lips.I mean really, as if the tears and anguish weren't bad enough, now just defeat. I couldn't stop those bitter and sad tears from falling. The days of pacing and raging." Would this be the day?", God damn I want to do it so bad but how, to make sure it's permanent, and I mean fucking permanent and instant within minutes, so there's no turning back, and NO CELL PHONE, I asked...how? how? how? without it getting fucked up. My heart had been ripped out, oh but not before the sharp blade had stabbed through the bones and you could feel and hear the cracking of bones. OH no not before you could feel the bleed. THEN could my heart be ripped out. That beautiful heart. But who gives a fuck right? it's only me and it's only mine.
Noone's listening, and if they are you know what they are saying. I can tell you. "Whatever, she wants attention" because she's been, "the bold, strong, survivor" or "the liar" so who cares. So it's like I'm in a well it's only my echo, the same sound reverberating. Over and over. Even if I scream no one will hear me. My heart is hurting and, yes, still beating to the point that I think it will explode with the pound. The pound, like a drum. It's still beating you see, and it's on display for everyone to see.
The bloodstained sadness, the tearstreaked madness. For everyone to see, and noone to notice. It's only me, "the bold one" so shake it free, let it be. So I retreat. Once again in defeat. So I take my bow.
I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired, years and years of being tired of being tired and not your kind of tired.
So I Retreat In The Sweet Taste of Defeat
The month of May a glorious month this has been I must say. One occurence after another has led to one defeat after another. I knew I was going to go back to my brother and sister and law's home this month but I didn't know that the events leading up to it would be detrimental. I haven't written in this place in a while because I've been too heavy to write, but for some reason today I felt the need to. I don't even know the last date of entry. I've really needed to talk to my children and that's just going going nowhere. But's that's fine I suppose. I've been told one thousand times, "they're grown and they have lives and other priorities, and someday they will come around", choke it back, and smile then say, "I know". They reassure me that they love me that I'm the only mother they have. I smile, choke it back then say, "I know". Mother's day came and went, it was gross and humiliating. I tried to choke it back. Needless to say I didn't do very well at all. I guess you get what you deserve right?
The sweet tste of defeat, ran across my lips. As if the tears and anguish weren't bad enough now just defeat. I couldn't stop those bitter and sad tears from falling. The days of pacing and raging. Would this be the day I asked. I haven't scribed a decent word in moths. I couldn't hold a pen. It was like holding a bouolder. My heart had been ripped out ohmmmm but not before the shap
I feel like noone is really listening, when I say what I say. It's like I'm talking in a well, it's like an echo reverberating and it's me I am hearing in return...just the same sound coming back, but worse. Even if I scream no one will hear me. My heart is hearting so that I think it will explode with the pound. The pound. Like a drum. It's still beating you see it's on display for everyone.
The blood stained sadness. The tear streaked madness. For everyone to see, a;nd noone to notice. It's only me you see "the bold one", "the liar", so shake it free, let it be. So I retreat. Once again in defeat.
The sweet tste of defeat, ran across my lips. As if the tears and anguish weren't bad enough now just defeat. I couldn't stop those bitter and sad tears from falling. The days of pacing and raging. Would this be the day I asked. I haven't scribed a decent word in moths. I couldn't hold a pen. It was like holding a bouolder. My heart had been ripped out ohmmmm but not before the shap
I feel like noone is really listening, when I say what I say. It's like I'm talking in a well, it's like an echo reverberating and it's me I am hearing in return...just the same sound coming back, but worse. Even if I scream no one will hear me. My heart is hearting so that I think it will explode with the pound. The pound. Like a drum. It's still beating you see it's on display for everyone.
The blood stained sadness. The tear streaked madness. For everyone to see, a;nd noone to notice. It's only me you see "the bold one", "the liar", so shake it free, let it be. So I retreat. Once again in defeat.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Somethings Are Just Worth It
There are some things that are just worth it you know what I mean. I'm not going to lie I would so eat a pint of Blue Bell Rocky Road Ice Cream in one sitting and NOT feel bad about it. I would drive all night to go see somebody I missed terribly and get a ticket doing so. I would sing at the top of my lungs to a song that I loved in my car while in traffic, and not care if people were watching. As a matter of fact I hope they're laughing, then giving me the thumbs up.
Smelling a beautiful man's neck and French kissing a little bit too long is so worth it. But the ultimate is having children and the pains and gains are just worth it. I can't say the extra gray hair in my eybrows are worth it but hey you can't have it all at this age (well you can including the gray). So one can hope that with all those bullets, machetes, and punches thrown, missed, dodged, and recieved that we will have solidarity. To all you future, past and present mothers out there somethings are just worth it.
Smelling a beautiful man's neck and French kissing a little bit too long is so worth it. But the ultimate is having children and the pains and gains are just worth it. I can't say the extra gray hair in my eybrows are worth it but hey you can't have it all at this age (well you can including the gray). So one can hope that with all those bullets, machetes, and punches thrown, missed, dodged, and recieved that we will have solidarity. To all you future, past and present mothers out there somethings are just worth it.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Lessons Learned
WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED?
To love me!
To fight back!
Never to trust anyone!
To look a person in the eyes!
No know pain!
SURVIVE!!!
I've been to hell and back it's true from the time I was a child, but I wasn't the only one. I learned this at an early age, there's a lot of of us fighters running around. These beautiful minded people that had to put up with shit, and here's the deal we never asked why. I know I didn't, I never stomped my feet and gnashed my teeth I just dealt with it. Lessons are given to strengthen and test people's minds, body, and will. They can weaken you then strengthen you. Some can take you to the ground and never bring you back up, so you live with them simultaneously. Some lessons are so joyous and beautiful that you hold on them and cherish them. Those are the ones that you look back on and "remember" not all lessons are bad. Karma the come around go around, is good sometimes you get what you deserve and we all deserve GOOD.
Then there are the gifts you are given out of lessons. The blessings. These are the gifts and blessings you are given that far out weigh anything, or any lesson. These gifts teach you lessons you thank every God in the Universe for and they live inside you as if you had another heart. Today and everyday I am thankful for these gifts, they keep me alive, they keep me breathing. They push me to get better and to do better. I am also a gift you know from where I don't know but I am. Allowed to bring into the world three more gifts.
These gifts were given to me then I gave to the world, unwrapped and full of surprises, beautiful and amazing, talented, reckless, and full of love to give. I am speechless and in wonderment as to how much I love and miss these creatures. Everyday goes by and it's one more thing that makes me cry. I know they are grown I'm over that don't be stupid they have their own lives, but I'm going to miss something, something is going to be too late, I'm not going to be able to fix it, and it's going to be too late. It's just one more thing, one more glance in time I want back. Happy times. I just want to tell them I'm sorry and them know I mean it. I'm fucking dying here. I just don't know when it went bad 1999? Everything was perfect before that, not perfect but good another lesson learned. Then I went black and stayed. I'm sorry to Sarah Diann for having to reach out to Karen, to Jacob for seeking out anyone else but me, and Jeremy David well he stayed with me I guess he knew but he was tired of it, then man he graduated and he was OUT .....being "this" is horrible on kids just so you know. I just wanted Happy times. Then the end then 2004 was the end....Just a very very very very Long lesson. LESSONS LEARNED the hard way and at who's expense
To love me!
To fight back!
Never to trust anyone!
To look a person in the eyes!
No know pain!
SURVIVE!!!
I've been to hell and back it's true from the time I was a child, but I wasn't the only one. I learned this at an early age, there's a lot of of us fighters running around. These beautiful minded people that had to put up with shit, and here's the deal we never asked why. I know I didn't, I never stomped my feet and gnashed my teeth I just dealt with it. Lessons are given to strengthen and test people's minds, body, and will. They can weaken you then strengthen you. Some can take you to the ground and never bring you back up, so you live with them simultaneously. Some lessons are so joyous and beautiful that you hold on them and cherish them. Those are the ones that you look back on and "remember" not all lessons are bad. Karma the come around go around, is good sometimes you get what you deserve and we all deserve GOOD.
Then there are the gifts you are given out of lessons. The blessings. These are the gifts and blessings you are given that far out weigh anything, or any lesson. These gifts teach you lessons you thank every God in the Universe for and they live inside you as if you had another heart. Today and everyday I am thankful for these gifts, they keep me alive, they keep me breathing. They push me to get better and to do better. I am also a gift you know from where I don't know but I am. Allowed to bring into the world three more gifts.
These gifts were given to me then I gave to the world, unwrapped and full of surprises, beautiful and amazing, talented, reckless, and full of love to give. I am speechless and in wonderment as to how much I love and miss these creatures. Everyday goes by and it's one more thing that makes me cry. I know they are grown I'm over that don't be stupid they have their own lives, but I'm going to miss something, something is going to be too late, I'm not going to be able to fix it, and it's going to be too late. It's just one more thing, one more glance in time I want back. Happy times. I just want to tell them I'm sorry and them know I mean it. I'm fucking dying here. I just don't know when it went bad 1999? Everything was perfect before that, not perfect but good another lesson learned. Then I went black and stayed. I'm sorry to Sarah Diann for having to reach out to Karen, to Jacob for seeking out anyone else but me, and Jeremy David well he stayed with me I guess he knew but he was tired of it, then man he graduated and he was OUT .....being "this" is horrible on kids just so you know. I just wanted Happy times. Then the end then 2004 was the end....Just a very very very very Long lesson. LESSONS LEARNED the hard way and at who's expense
Sunday, February 19, 2012
The Bleed
The Bleed
The sadness the madness that lives within
Shed yourself this wicked skin
I daresay this darkness lives on and on like an endless soul
I pour out like a cut NOT a prick
The sting is unbearable
I push I trudge and for what I ask
I go nowhere, and for nothing for no task
I look and I look for not I see
Even you go past and wave but not at me
This pain is fierce this heat this burn I lie down to die with my eyes wide open.
I swallow the sky I kiss the stars he won't take me you know I am too broken.
So I hang my head and wish for peace the release to just bleed these tears ~ Cyndi, yes just me
This is Hell So Thank You God
Where do I begin. I'm fine today or at least so far. It started Tuesday with a blast from the past, the saga that continues to continue 16 years of dying a hundred times. I shouldn't have done what I did but I needed the fulfillment the touch the human connection. The wanton was there as it always is, always has been. But it causes yet another death inside of me. The corruption of my soul and my mind. I thought I would be like him the hunted with my steely knife with purpose, no emotion just do it and cut out the heart and move on. It was painless at first, no big deal. I should never have let him know where I was. Nobody has known where I was for years. Why did I do this? I let my guard down. Then the sick feeling came back, the doom. I spun out, I went black. Why and how can I do this? I thought I could control it this time. I have nothing this time do you understand NOTHING nothing. I was pissed I scrambled around trying to find something to not make a mess but it was inevitable there was going to be a mess. I couldn't do it again you see, not this time there would be a mess. I couldn't talk, I couldn't breath. What the fuck was I going to do this time. I had to think my way through this one. I was pissed. The panic what was I going to say? nothing, that's, what I was going to say, NOTHING. Pretend like it didn't happen. I know you don't get it, shut up or put up but it's not that easy not with this one. This is the history that you can't let go of. Not THIS history, not this bond, not this love. No you can't. This is the saddest story ever. WE both will admit to that. And we both can't let go, but why. Why the torture. Why me? It's brutal, it's painful and the pain in my stomach is beyond belief. The choke in my throat is inexplicable. My bones are tired, the swimming in my head, the lack of sleep, the talking to myself, no one could possibly understand.
This beautiful mind, this beautiful person struck down to her knees and all I've done was beg for forgiveness and ask to be loved. Why is it so hard to love me, no seriously why? I have so much to give and so much to offer. People say 'Oh you must love yourself first before you can be loved'. That's the funny thing I do love myself , I have no problems with my self esteem. People have it wrong they think I do, but I don't. I am quite satisfied with myself. I've fucked up, but who hasn't. I'm not saying to the degree of mine, but they're mine. I'm not satisfied that I wrecked my career, but I deserve the chance to be forgiven, at least a chance. Because I'm tired and my wanting to die doesn't mean I don't love myself or that I have low self esteem. Because I love this man doesn't mean I love him more than my own self that is not the case. I am greedy I want both and I'm not satisfied. I want the best of both worlds and it's frustrating that it's just not seen. My beauty, strength, integrity, fight, humor, intelligence, parent, empathy, will, love, kindness, and passion. The important things that make me, me. The beauty of me. The importance of me, the best qualities of me not just the fact that I can ride a motorcycle, not get lost, be independent, fierce, love animals, nature, not a snob, talk my way out of shit, be sexy, cook, climb a tree, hike, fall down and get back up and do it again. All the while be a survivor. I shouldn't have to make a list. Who am I trying to convince. Me or you?
So, now what? kill myself that's what I wish for DEATH. I've been tired for so long. I want 2004 back so I can fix it for all of us. I died that year and I've been walking around as someone else faking this shit. Paul fucked everything up on October 8, 2008 it would've been done, but he had to butt in my business. It would've been done. It was perfect. Now look at me I'm still here still fucked up and NOTHING is better NOTHING !!!!!!!. THIS IS WHAT GOD WANTED ???...SERIOUSLY???? punishment just punishment after punishment....nothing good has come of anything but more blackness, annihilation, and punishment. I'm so tired.
This beautiful mind, this beautiful person struck down to her knees and all I've done was beg for forgiveness and ask to be loved. Why is it so hard to love me, no seriously why? I have so much to give and so much to offer. People say 'Oh you must love yourself first before you can be loved'. That's the funny thing I do love myself , I have no problems with my self esteem. People have it wrong they think I do, but I don't. I am quite satisfied with myself. I've fucked up, but who hasn't. I'm not saying to the degree of mine, but they're mine. I'm not satisfied that I wrecked my career, but I deserve the chance to be forgiven, at least a chance. Because I'm tired and my wanting to die doesn't mean I don't love myself or that I have low self esteem. Because I love this man doesn't mean I love him more than my own self that is not the case. I am greedy I want both and I'm not satisfied. I want the best of both worlds and it's frustrating that it's just not seen. My beauty, strength, integrity, fight, humor, intelligence, parent, empathy, will, love, kindness, and passion. The important things that make me, me. The beauty of me. The importance of me, the best qualities of me not just the fact that I can ride a motorcycle, not get lost, be independent, fierce, love animals, nature, not a snob, talk my way out of shit, be sexy, cook, climb a tree, hike, fall down and get back up and do it again. All the while be a survivor. I shouldn't have to make a list. Who am I trying to convince. Me or you?
So, now what? kill myself that's what I wish for DEATH. I've been tired for so long. I want 2004 back so I can fix it for all of us. I died that year and I've been walking around as someone else faking this shit. Paul fucked everything up on October 8, 2008 it would've been done, but he had to butt in my business. It would've been done. It was perfect. Now look at me I'm still here still fucked up and NOTHING is better NOTHING !!!!!!!. THIS IS WHAT GOD WANTED ???...SERIOUSLY???? punishment just punishment after punishment....nothing good has come of anything but more blackness, annihilation, and punishment. I'm so tired.
Friday, January 27, 2012
"I've got this"
This will be my last confession. I was just too heavy for you to carry. I was too heavy for me to carry. I was weighed down and you shouldn't have let me touch the ground. I love you but I condemn you with this heart. I felt like my arms were around your neck and you just let me drown. So I ask is it worth the weight? Who was the killer in this? me or you? Me that's who. I chose this place so just STOP! This is where I want to be. I touched down now it's my place to pick myself back up I won't drown, not again.
I wasn't that strong, I couldn't take your sadness and mine. I wasn't finished and it kept going and it kept growing. Is that really what you wanted? So I stopped. I was going black I couldn't do what I was thinking and it was making me angry and angrier I just wanted to die I wanted the relief the peace. I was pissed because that's all I wanted and that's all I was thinking about and I was angry and you don't get it I was pissed because I wanted to fucking kill myself and wouldn't because of other people and that made me angry. What was stopping me? Who fucking cared. You didn't get it nobody gets it.That's all I want, that's all that I think about. "THIS" is my punishment to be awake and walk around hollow feeling. Oh, I know it doesn't look like it, and some days it doesn't even sound like, but I am. I'm tired, I'm so fucking tired everyday so I put on a show for everyone so they don't get alarmed, so I don't get the pats, the soothing talks, the "NO you shouldn't talk that way you have so much to live for blah blah blah" well I hate it here this place, every place, the talking points, the looks, the sighs ugh it's so annoying. So now I say to you, you can't have that peice of me again. NOBODY can I just won't allow it ever again. EVER! You make me scream and cry in my head and I refuse to cry anymore. So if I want to think what I think then I will and I do.
So now I have to put on the face that people want to see. And pretend or rather "choose" today to be. And maybe, just maybe if I keep doing this it "WILL BE" for real. And when I go by myself my mind doesn't cry and scream and swirl around with "different" thoughts. Maybe just maybe I won't get lost in my head thinking of something else sad or tragic.
Maybe.
And you can say this is me being melodramatic I don't care. So stop and just leave me alone. You have your own problems to deal with and your own sadness to deal with. Mine is mine. I need to get better for me finally it's like every 4 years something tries to take me down...not this year. God said to me in 2004 this isn't working for you and sat me on my ass, and I asked "really? not again!!!! I can't take this anymore" so I picked up and ran literally with kids in tow....then 2008 and now but God is good to me, and watches with one eye because he can't bear to watch with both eyes, because he knows me, the only one that does I get bumped and bruised and make messes and fuck it up, but I've fixed my messes this one has just taken the longest...2004 to 2012 I'm getting the hang of it now, "the definition of stupidity" ... this shit is mine, I own it. Don't worry "I've got this"
I wasn't that strong, I couldn't take your sadness and mine. I wasn't finished and it kept going and it kept growing. Is that really what you wanted? So I stopped. I was going black I couldn't do what I was thinking and it was making me angry and angrier I just wanted to die I wanted the relief the peace. I was pissed because that's all I wanted and that's all I was thinking about and I was angry and you don't get it I was pissed because I wanted to fucking kill myself and wouldn't because of other people and that made me angry. What was stopping me? Who fucking cared. You didn't get it nobody gets it.That's all I want, that's all that I think about. "THIS" is my punishment to be awake and walk around hollow feeling. Oh, I know it doesn't look like it, and some days it doesn't even sound like, but I am. I'm tired, I'm so fucking tired everyday so I put on a show for everyone so they don't get alarmed, so I don't get the pats, the soothing talks, the "NO you shouldn't talk that way you have so much to live for blah blah blah" well I hate it here this place, every place, the talking points, the looks, the sighs ugh it's so annoying. So now I say to you, you can't have that peice of me again. NOBODY can I just won't allow it ever again. EVER! You make me scream and cry in my head and I refuse to cry anymore. So if I want to think what I think then I will and I do.
So now I have to put on the face that people want to see. And pretend or rather "choose" today to be. And maybe, just maybe if I keep doing this it "WILL BE" for real. And when I go by myself my mind doesn't cry and scream and swirl around with "different" thoughts. Maybe just maybe I won't get lost in my head thinking of something else sad or tragic.
Maybe.
And you can say this is me being melodramatic I don't care. So stop and just leave me alone. You have your own problems to deal with and your own sadness to deal with. Mine is mine. I need to get better for me finally it's like every 4 years something tries to take me down...not this year. God said to me in 2004 this isn't working for you and sat me on my ass, and I asked "really? not again!!!! I can't take this anymore" so I picked up and ran literally with kids in tow....then 2008 and now but God is good to me, and watches with one eye because he can't bear to watch with both eyes, because he knows me, the only one that does I get bumped and bruised and make messes and fuck it up, but I've fixed my messes this one has just taken the longest...2004 to 2012 I'm getting the hang of it now, "the definition of stupidity" ... this shit is mine, I own it. Don't worry "I've got this"
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Well here I am again in a state. They are dropping like flies. I suppose I don't care and I do at the same time. I called my oldest friend to discuss this phenomena she said it was not always like this but it was, that I was just different. I could handle things better back then.
Things pile up after a while she said and even I had my threshold so try to remember that. And it's catching up again but why do people quit, why do people get so put off and turned off by what I have to say I don't understand. I believe honesty is the best way to be, maybe not brutal honesty and maybe that's what happened. I don't believe I should have to filter my words. I just don't my real friends accepted me for this. I had a lot of friends that accepted this about me and that was that, but that is true friends. You shouldn't have to censor yourself. I am not going to beat myself up about this. I am a true person, and yes this is my problem. I'm emotional and vigilant in my beliefs and at the cost of losing what? Nothing in my opinion. I was going to be upset but I changed my mind. It's not me it's them and no it's not me being an egocentric, it's me being me. I happen to like that about me. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. I said that up front. I'm sorry if that hurt you people's feelings but I laid it on the line. I may touch a nerve and if you are the nervous type then stay the fuck away from me. I don't sugar coat. If you are a cutter for attention don't show me and don't tell me, you need help and you want someone to feel sorry for you and ask you about it, so I ask people that are privately hurting hide it and don't go around telling people. It's like criticizing people that are doing the same thing you are doing but in a different forum that's being a hypocrite. I blog in private. I don't say "hey I just posted a new blog so go read it then I do and comment and then you block me" this is very strange and narcissistic to me. I've kept my condition hidden for years and years and years...nobody knew until I fell apart 20 years later. Now it's cool to be BiPolar, if you say so...
Things pile up after a while she said and even I had my threshold so try to remember that. And it's catching up again but why do people quit, why do people get so put off and turned off by what I have to say I don't understand. I believe honesty is the best way to be, maybe not brutal honesty and maybe that's what happened. I don't believe I should have to filter my words. I just don't my real friends accepted me for this. I had a lot of friends that accepted this about me and that was that, but that is true friends. You shouldn't have to censor yourself. I am not going to beat myself up about this. I am a true person, and yes this is my problem. I'm emotional and vigilant in my beliefs and at the cost of losing what? Nothing in my opinion. I was going to be upset but I changed my mind. It's not me it's them and no it's not me being an egocentric, it's me being me. I happen to like that about me. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. I said that up front. I'm sorry if that hurt you people's feelings but I laid it on the line. I may touch a nerve and if you are the nervous type then stay the fuck away from me. I don't sugar coat. If you are a cutter for attention don't show me and don't tell me, you need help and you want someone to feel sorry for you and ask you about it, so I ask people that are privately hurting hide it and don't go around telling people. It's like criticizing people that are doing the same thing you are doing but in a different forum that's being a hypocrite. I blog in private. I don't say "hey I just posted a new blog so go read it then I do and comment and then you block me" this is very strange and narcissistic to me. I've kept my condition hidden for years and years and years...nobody knew until I fell apart 20 years later. Now it's cool to be BiPolar, if you say so...
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
hmmmmm I missed my appointment and of all days. I needed this appointment. The screaming in my head the ranting and this stupid asshole crying that I'm so fucking sick of I would rather chew my arm off then to cry. If I fill out one more stupid fucking job application and get rejected one more time I swear to God I'm going to die. I swear to God I'm running I away. God I'm so stupid I told dad I wanted to die why? why? why? did I do that. This melancholia I woke up crying yesterday, and today AGAIN. It just blurted out nobody would fucking care, you know it's like a cancer this this this stupid shit this whatever it is in your pit, it makes you think the most lousy thoughts, I suppose I wanted confirmation that somebody would notice and not lecture and just say something nice, and he did. Of course he would he's my father right? right. When you are this off, it's time to go. It wears you out and everyone else out too. It would be a relief to everyone.
I shred my scalp with the box cuter and I want to keep going. my mind gets carried away with it. After I talked to Roy I was sick of talking I was sick of being upset about that. This stupid anger and guilt I'm just sick of it. They all hate me anyway then the Scotsman won't do whatever it is I think he should do and it's ripping me into shreds. So shred away. Why so who cares pull the most infamous disappearing act of all time. Then go quietly no "I'll see you on the dark side of the moon" I just won't see you. Try to understand I'm tired of talking I'm tired of understanding and I'm tired of "It will be better" no it won't. I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist. Through the years with each year, it doesn't get better this condition only gets worse. I just need a soft place to land. Not even warm, just soft. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would cut myself, but I did, and now it's more and more and the pain is getting less and less. I just never wanted to make a mess for anybody and I never wanted it to coagulate and fuck it up.
I shred my scalp with the box cuter and I want to keep going. my mind gets carried away with it. After I talked to Roy I was sick of talking I was sick of being upset about that. This stupid anger and guilt I'm just sick of it. They all hate me anyway then the Scotsman won't do whatever it is I think he should do and it's ripping me into shreds. So shred away. Why so who cares pull the most infamous disappearing act of all time. Then go quietly no "I'll see you on the dark side of the moon" I just won't see you. Try to understand I'm tired of talking I'm tired of understanding and I'm tired of "It will be better" no it won't. I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist. Through the years with each year, it doesn't get better this condition only gets worse. I just need a soft place to land. Not even warm, just soft. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would cut myself, but I did, and now it's more and more and the pain is getting less and less. I just never wanted to make a mess for anybody and I never wanted it to coagulate and fuck it up.
some of this some of that the advice is deafening. I want someone to live inside my head. I don't think people have quite gotten the grasp there's two of me at the same time. NO NO NO I don't use this stupid mother fucking bullshit as an excuse I would rather kill myself then to keep doing this two things every fucking day. The frantic sobbing EVERY day really? you like that? really? you really think I "ME?" this "ME"? this person who has ran her life her whole fucking life with this shit and could manage it likes this. Mrs. Balls herself this way??? really???? you people think I like this???? I am using this as an excuse and some mornings I CAN NOT get out of my bed I wake up yeah WAKE UP crying YOU tell me why I would love to here YOUR theories on this. Then in 20 minutes I'm in a good mood then in an hour I'm agitated then within 2 hours I'm so tired I want to cry and dissolve and die. SO fuck all of you and my children, just get a teeny little job, get out, just stop, you're in control....this swirling, the noise, the static, the eeeeeeeekkkkkkk. I practically ive with an ipod in my head so I don't have to hear shit. Just music
The Hunting Knife
The wooden handle, or is it a deer antler I can't remember which one it is. I just know it's beautiful and I'm staring at it. And the blade is made with such precision thick, heavy, sharp, long blade then that teethy, serrated end. It's a bone breaker. I know, It's a beauty I bought it glistening in the night light of the moon. This blade so intricately made with an engraving on the one side, "Get your catch <3". This blade so intricately made to make a clean kill. To cut straight through, then the serrated end with a good pound can get through the cartilage and bone.
But no one tells you about the actual pain. The agonizing pain and then to have to watch this victim ratchet about in it's secret misery, with eyes glassing over unable to make a sound. But the hunter knows, he's done this before. Many times before just not to this extent and not to me.
As the blade went in it was hot like fire. The sounds of breaking cartilage and bones were deafening. Then he whispers in my ear "It's almost over". I feel my heart breaking, I think, but it's just him pulling the ribs apart so he can take my heart out. He whispers again, "It's mine" I can't think now. And I say to myself "it was always his" so I barely get the words out, " So why rip it out". The hunter whispers in my ear again while dripping my own blood, "So no one will have it, but me". But I think 'but I will die' the hunter says, "No you willl not die, you will just never love again, you have no heart". He holds his bloody hands out to me and shows it to me it's still beating hard and fast. That beautiful heart. I want to die.
But no one tells you about the actual pain. The agonizing pain and then to have to watch this victim ratchet about in it's secret misery, with eyes glassing over unable to make a sound. But the hunter knows, he's done this before. Many times before just not to this extent and not to me.
As the blade went in it was hot like fire. The sounds of breaking cartilage and bones were deafening. Then he whispers in my ear "It's almost over". I feel my heart breaking, I think, but it's just him pulling the ribs apart so he can take my heart out. He whispers again, "It's mine" I can't think now. And I say to myself "it was always his" so I barely get the words out, " So why rip it out". The hunter whispers in my ear again while dripping my own blood, "So no one will have it, but me". But I think 'but I will die' the hunter says, "No you willl not die, you will just never love again, you have no heart". He holds his bloody hands out to me and shows it to me it's still beating hard and fast. That beautiful heart. I want to die.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
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