hmmmmm I missed my appointment and of all days. I needed this appointment. The screaming in my head the ranting and this stupid asshole crying that I'm so fucking sick of I would rather chew my arm off then to cry. If I fill out one more stupid fucking job application and get rejected one more time I swear to God I'm going to die. I swear to God I'm running I away. God I'm so stupid I told dad I wanted to die why? why? why? did I do that. This melancholia I woke up crying yesterday, and today AGAIN. It just blurted out nobody would fucking care, you know it's like a cancer this this this stupid shit this whatever it is in your pit, it makes you think the most lousy thoughts, I suppose I wanted confirmation that somebody would notice and not lecture and just say something nice, and he did. Of course he would he's my father right? right. When you are this off, it's time to go. It wears you out and everyone else out too. It would be a relief to everyone.

I shred my scalp with the box cuter and I want to keep going. my mind gets carried away with it. After I talked to Roy I was sick of talking I was sick of being upset about that. This stupid anger and guilt I'm just sick of it. They all hate me anyway then the Scotsman won't do whatever it is I think he should do and it's ripping me into shreds. So shred away. Why so who cares pull the most infamous disappearing act of all time. Then go quietly no "I'll see you on the dark side of the moon" I just won't see you. Try to understand I'm tired of talking I'm tired of understanding and I'm tired of "It will be better" no it won't. I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist. Through the years with each year, it doesn't get better this condition only gets worse. I just need a soft place to land. Not even warm, just soft. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would cut myself, but I did, and now it's more and more and the pain is getting less and less. I just never wanted to make a mess for anybody and I never wanted it to coagulate and fuck it up.