Happy Fucking Birthday

Fucking awesome today is my birthday 6 years longer than it should have been, yes I am 46 fucking years old my time limit was 40. AWESOME. But I did figure it out, it came to me yesterday. From a peice I wrote it must have been karma. I would love to say some days are better than others but really they are not. Unless I'm in the room with another human being or being spoken to. But left to my own devices I can't make any promises, not anymore. Long days long nights. Unless I'm put in a the care of the one that helped to cripple this

Get a grip, right? When your young it's so easy to do. I should know I did it, I fought for myself preservation on a daily basis because I had something to fight for. So shut the fuck up. Point to it now tell me what it is that I have. I have nothing anymore. I'm not published, I'm not teaching, I can't grip a knife, pull a trigger, no husband, no life, I go back and forth when I can't handle things so guess what "IT'S ME" it always has been, and I can't get a grip, try telling a cancer patient to "get over it" or someone with diabetes "suck it up" I've done all of the above. I was in "remission" the easiest way to look at it when you have had this disease your whole life but have either hid it, medicated it and did well, then BBBBOOOOOMMMMM the trauma yes dears the new traumas (as if the old traumas weren't bad enough...and they were pretty fucked up childhood traumas) To have adult to most they would be normal traumas well except for the getting the shit beat out of you trauma, and watching for a split second as he tried to beat the shit out of your kids. But when you were at work finding out he did what he did. Yes dears those traumas. But hey he is so fucking awesome now and I'm a liar. But I won't mention the other part because he's got someone so fucked up in the head with bullshit.

 But it's okay I don't care anymore, apparently mothers are a dime a dozen what am I talking about I didn't even have one. Well, they will grow to learn you will miss what you once had even if she was crazy because here's the deal. I DO love those kids and I had to let them go when the time was right. Each one practically sprinted from me. Jacob joined the Army and I never saw him again but three times, Jeremy left for Austin and I never saw him again, but once, and then there was Sarah Diann I am not even going to mention a word. It's a stab in my back and a stab in the face a stab in my heart over and over and over. Teenage angst, girls, the things they go through that boys do not, and Why can't you be like other moms, normal".  This is the funny thing, I knew when I was pregnant with her that she was going to hate me. I don't know how but I just did. I never told her this ever ever ever ever ever ever. Out of fear I suppose of not living up to her expectations.

Don't worry I am not lookiing for the mother daughter relationship in movies how gross...I just want a relationship built on love and trust. You are my best friend and you are brutally honest with me, and know everything there is to know about me. You are just like me in so many ways, in too many ways, so I can't be THAT bad. To me you are perfection, and beauty and a gift from God just like the boys. So talented and gifted. All three of my children, artists, musicians, intellectuals and hard workers so yes work ethic and proper manners. Thank YOU for keeping all those in your repetoire. So Happy Birthday to me. Those are the reminders to me that make my birthdays worth while that my job was well done. And do these creatures know how to have a good time yes they do, and I am glad for that. Can they look at a beautiful day and say holy fuck I'm taking advantage of this shit...yes they can. so Happy Birthday to me. Here's to being 46 six years passed my expiration date.