I won't even begin to discuss what's brought me here. The humiliation of mother's day. The non stop crying. Going back on medication. The suicidal ideations daily, hourly, and sometimes moment to moment. I knew I was going to return to my brother and sister and law's house this month, but the events leading up to this were unexpected and had I not left, there is probably no telling where I might have ended up. May has not been one of my better months. I made a choice a few months ago to go off meds because I felt like I could and plus they just weren't working for me. But as I'm finding out right now is not a good time to make this change.

The sweet taste of defeat ran across my lips.I mean really, as if the tears and anguish weren't bad enough, now just defeat. I couldn't stop those bitter and sad tears from falling. The days of pacing and raging." Would this be the day?", God damn I want to do it so bad but how, to make sure it's permanent, and I mean fucking permanent and instant within minutes, so there's no turning back, and NO CELL PHONE, I asked...how? how? how? without it getting fucked up. My heart had been ripped out, oh but not before the sharp blade had stabbed through the bones and you could feel and hear the cracking of bones. OH no not before you could feel the bleed. THEN could my heart be ripped out. That beautiful heart. But who gives a fuck right? it's only me and it's only mine.

Noone's listening, and if they are you know what they are saying. I can tell you. "Whatever, she wants attention" because she's been, "the bold, strong, survivor" or "the liar" so who cares. So it's like I'm in a well it's only my echo, the same sound reverberating. Over and over. Even if I scream no one will hear me. My heart is hurting and, yes, still beating to the point that I think it will explode with the pound. The pound, like a drum. It's still beating you see, and it's on display for everyone to see.

The bloodstained sadness, the tearstreaked madness. For everyone to see, and noone to notice. It's only me, "the bold one" so shake it free, let it be. So I retreat. Once again in defeat. So I take my bow.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired, years and years of being tired of being tired and not your kind of tired.