strange days have been following me

I've never been bothered by this issue, well of course I have that was stupid. It how do I say it, "it" didn't "bother" me I wasn't ashamed of it, "it" was my friend, "it" was part of my spirit. My daughter told me told me today that I have allowed it to define me I suppose at this moment I have but I haven't. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. My daughter is 25 I have three of those beautiful creatures. People said that I allowed them to define me so I suppose I have many definitions. The ironies. I knew at 17 that I was already tired of this. I was tired of being here, and I didn't know what to do about it. I wasn't so much angry I was tired. Tired at 17 the only way I could not be tired was playing my tired through my cello and music and it seemed people wanted to take it out of me and finally they did. So I had no purpose. So I became very tired. I thought if I went off to college it would be different, but I found out I was pregnant. I was destroyed my life was over, then my cello was completely shattered in the move then everything was over my life stopped moving. I tried to kill myself then I stopped something told me that I did have something I had this thing inside me. I stopped taking my medication then I became paranoid that the medication had destroyed him. It was four months I was wracked with guilt and I was anorexic. I found ways of punishing myself. The young man asked me to marry him I don't know why he was having sex with anything that could walk. I was and intellectual wierdo. Yes I liked music and having fun but I isolated myself. It began the black and it never left. He was the black and it never really left I just learned to cope with his stupidity because he was never like me, and never would be. The blackness was my concern. The Jekyl and Hydeness was my fear. He couldn't see it and neither could my children. NEVER. I would contain it. and what is this 27 years later. My daughter also says to me last week "I want my mom back the one that raised me" and today it is I'm using it as an excuse to not move on. I just wished it were that easy.