Where do I begin. I'm fine today or at least so far. It started Tuesday with a blast from the past, the saga that continues to continue 16 years of dying a hundred times. I shouldn't have done what I did but I needed the fulfillment the touch the human connection. The wanton was there as it always is, always has been. But it causes yet another death inside of me. The corruption of my soul and my mind. I thought I would be like him the hunted with my steely knife with purpose, no emotion just do it and cut out the heart and move on. It was painless at first, no big deal. I should never have let him know where I was. Nobody has known where I was for years. Why did I do this? I let my guard down. Then the sick feeling came back, the doom. I spun out, I went black. Why and how can I do this? I thought I could control it this time. I have nothing this time do you understand NOTHING nothing. I was pissed I scrambled around trying to find something to not make a mess but it was inevitable there was going to be a mess. I couldn't do it again you see, not this time there would be a mess. I couldn't talk, I couldn't breath. What the fuck was I going to do this time. I had to think my way through this one. I was pissed. The panic what was I going to say? nothing, that's, what I was going to say, NOTHING. Pretend like it didn't happen. I know you don't get it, shut up or put up but it's not that easy not with this one. This is the history that you can't let go of. Not THIS history, not this bond, not this love. No you can't. This is the saddest story ever. WE both will admit to that. And we both can't let go, but why. Why the torture. Why me? It's brutal, it's painful and the pain in my stomach is beyond belief. The choke in my throat is inexplicable. My bones are tired, the swimming in my head, the lack of sleep, the talking to myself, no one could possibly understand.
This beautiful mind, this beautiful person struck down to her knees and all I've done was beg for forgiveness and ask to be loved. Why is it so hard to love me, no seriously why? I have so much to give and so much to offer. People say 'Oh you must love yourself first before you can be loved'. That's the funny thing I do love myself , I have no problems with my self esteem. People have it wrong they think I do, but I don't. I am quite satisfied with myself. I've fucked up, but who hasn't. I'm not saying to the degree of mine, but they're mine. I'm not satisfied that I wrecked my career, but I deserve the chance to be forgiven, at least a chance. Because I'm tired and my wanting to die doesn't mean I don't love myself or that I have low self esteem. Because I love this man doesn't mean I love him more than my own self that is not the case. I am greedy I want both and I'm not satisfied. I want the best of both worlds and it's frustrating that it's just not seen. My beauty, strength, integrity, fight, humor, intelligence, parent, empathy, will, love, kindness, and passion. The important things that make me, me. The beauty of me. The importance of me, the best qualities of me not just the fact that I can ride a motorcycle, not get lost, be independent, fierce, love animals, nature, not a snob, talk my way out of shit, be sexy, cook, climb a tree, hike, fall down and get back up and do it again. All the while be a survivor. I shouldn't have to make a list. Who am I trying to convince. Me or you?
So, now what? kill myself that's what I wish for DEATH. I've been tired for so long. I want 2004 back so I can fix it for all of us. I died that year and I've been walking around as someone else faking this shit. Paul fucked everything up on October 8, 2008 it would've been done, but he had to butt in my business. It would've been done. It was perfect. Now look at me I'm still here still fucked up and NOTHING is better NOTHING !!!!!!!. THIS IS WHAT GOD WANTED ???...SERIOUSLY???? punishment just punishment after punishment....nothing good has come of anything but more blackness, annihilation, and punishment. I'm so tired.
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