This will be my last confession. I was just too heavy for you to carry. I was too heavy for me to carry. I was weighed down and you shouldn't have let me touch the ground. I love you but I condemn you with this heart. I felt like my arms were around your neck and you just let me drown. So I ask is it worth the weight? Who was the killer in this? me or you? Me that's who. I chose this place so just STOP! This is where I want to be. I touched down now it's my place to pick myself back up I won't drown, not again.
I wasn't that strong, I couldn't take your sadness and mine. I wasn't finished and it kept going and it kept growing. Is that really what you wanted? So I stopped. I was going black I couldn't do what I was thinking and it was making me angry and angrier I just wanted to die I wanted the relief the peace. I was pissed because that's all I wanted and that's all I was thinking about and I was angry and you don't get it I was pissed because I wanted to fucking kill myself and wouldn't because of other people and that made me angry. What was stopping me? Who fucking cared. You didn't get it nobody gets it.That's all I want, that's all that I think about. "THIS" is my punishment to be awake and walk around hollow feeling. Oh, I know it doesn't look like it, and some days it doesn't even sound like, but I am. I'm tired, I'm so fucking tired everyday so I put on a show for everyone so they don't get alarmed, so I don't get the pats, the soothing talks, the "NO you shouldn't talk that way you have so much to live for blah blah blah" well I hate it here this place, every place, the talking points, the looks, the sighs ugh it's so annoying. So now I say to you, you can't have that peice of me again. NOBODY can I just won't allow it ever again. EVER! You make me scream and cry in my head and I refuse to cry anymore. So if I want to think what I think then I will and I do.
So now I have to put on the face that people want to see. And pretend or rather "choose" today to be. And maybe, just maybe if I keep doing this it "WILL BE" for real. And when I go by myself my mind doesn't cry and scream and swirl around with "different" thoughts. Maybe just maybe I won't get lost in my head thinking of something else sad or tragic.
Maybe.
And you can say this is me being melodramatic I don't care. So stop and just leave me alone. You have your own problems to deal with and your own sadness to deal with. Mine is mine. I need to get better for me finally it's like every 4 years something tries to take me down...not this year. God said to me in 2004 this isn't working for you and sat me on my ass, and I asked "really? not again!!!! I can't take this anymore" so I picked up and ran literally with kids in tow....then 2008 and now but God is good to me, and watches with one eye because he can't bear to watch with both eyes, because he knows me, the only one that does I get bumped and bruised and make messes and fuck it up, but I've fixed my messes this one has just taken the longest...2004 to 2012 I'm getting the hang of it now, "the definition of stupidity" ... this shit is mine, I own it. Don't worry "I've got this"
Friday, January 27, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Well here I am again in a state. They are dropping like flies. I suppose I don't care and I do at the same time. I called my oldest friend to discuss this phenomena she said it was not always like this but it was, that I was just different. I could handle things better back then.
Things pile up after a while she said and even I had my threshold so try to remember that. And it's catching up again but why do people quit, why do people get so put off and turned off by what I have to say I don't understand. I believe honesty is the best way to be, maybe not brutal honesty and maybe that's what happened. I don't believe I should have to filter my words. I just don't my real friends accepted me for this. I had a lot of friends that accepted this about me and that was that, but that is true friends. You shouldn't have to censor yourself. I am not going to beat myself up about this. I am a true person, and yes this is my problem. I'm emotional and vigilant in my beliefs and at the cost of losing what? Nothing in my opinion. I was going to be upset but I changed my mind. It's not me it's them and no it's not me being an egocentric, it's me being me. I happen to like that about me. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. I said that up front. I'm sorry if that hurt you people's feelings but I laid it on the line. I may touch a nerve and if you are the nervous type then stay the fuck away from me. I don't sugar coat. If you are a cutter for attention don't show me and don't tell me, you need help and you want someone to feel sorry for you and ask you about it, so I ask people that are privately hurting hide it and don't go around telling people. It's like criticizing people that are doing the same thing you are doing but in a different forum that's being a hypocrite. I blog in private. I don't say "hey I just posted a new blog so go read it then I do and comment and then you block me" this is very strange and narcissistic to me. I've kept my condition hidden for years and years and years...nobody knew until I fell apart 20 years later. Now it's cool to be BiPolar, if you say so...
Things pile up after a while she said and even I had my threshold so try to remember that. And it's catching up again but why do people quit, why do people get so put off and turned off by what I have to say I don't understand. I believe honesty is the best way to be, maybe not brutal honesty and maybe that's what happened. I don't believe I should have to filter my words. I just don't my real friends accepted me for this. I had a lot of friends that accepted this about me and that was that, but that is true friends. You shouldn't have to censor yourself. I am not going to beat myself up about this. I am a true person, and yes this is my problem. I'm emotional and vigilant in my beliefs and at the cost of losing what? Nothing in my opinion. I was going to be upset but I changed my mind. It's not me it's them and no it's not me being an egocentric, it's me being me. I happen to like that about me. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. I said that up front. I'm sorry if that hurt you people's feelings but I laid it on the line. I may touch a nerve and if you are the nervous type then stay the fuck away from me. I don't sugar coat. If you are a cutter for attention don't show me and don't tell me, you need help and you want someone to feel sorry for you and ask you about it, so I ask people that are privately hurting hide it and don't go around telling people. It's like criticizing people that are doing the same thing you are doing but in a different forum that's being a hypocrite. I blog in private. I don't say "hey I just posted a new blog so go read it then I do and comment and then you block me" this is very strange and narcissistic to me. I've kept my condition hidden for years and years and years...nobody knew until I fell apart 20 years later. Now it's cool to be BiPolar, if you say so...
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
hmmmmm I missed my appointment and of all days. I needed this appointment. The screaming in my head the ranting and this stupid asshole crying that I'm so fucking sick of I would rather chew my arm off then to cry. If I fill out one more stupid fucking job application and get rejected one more time I swear to God I'm going to die. I swear to God I'm running I away. God I'm so stupid I told dad I wanted to die why? why? why? did I do that. This melancholia I woke up crying yesterday, and today AGAIN. It just blurted out nobody would fucking care, you know it's like a cancer this this this stupid shit this whatever it is in your pit, it makes you think the most lousy thoughts, I suppose I wanted confirmation that somebody would notice and not lecture and just say something nice, and he did. Of course he would he's my father right? right. When you are this off, it's time to go. It wears you out and everyone else out too. It would be a relief to everyone.
I shred my scalp with the box cuter and I want to keep going. my mind gets carried away with it. After I talked to Roy I was sick of talking I was sick of being upset about that. This stupid anger and guilt I'm just sick of it. They all hate me anyway then the Scotsman won't do whatever it is I think he should do and it's ripping me into shreds. So shred away. Why so who cares pull the most infamous disappearing act of all time. Then go quietly no "I'll see you on the dark side of the moon" I just won't see you. Try to understand I'm tired of talking I'm tired of understanding and I'm tired of "It will be better" no it won't. I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist. Through the years with each year, it doesn't get better this condition only gets worse. I just need a soft place to land. Not even warm, just soft. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would cut myself, but I did, and now it's more and more and the pain is getting less and less. I just never wanted to make a mess for anybody and I never wanted it to coagulate and fuck it up.
I shred my scalp with the box cuter and I want to keep going. my mind gets carried away with it. After I talked to Roy I was sick of talking I was sick of being upset about that. This stupid anger and guilt I'm just sick of it. They all hate me anyway then the Scotsman won't do whatever it is I think he should do and it's ripping me into shreds. So shred away. Why so who cares pull the most infamous disappearing act of all time. Then go quietly no "I'll see you on the dark side of the moon" I just won't see you. Try to understand I'm tired of talking I'm tired of understanding and I'm tired of "It will be better" no it won't. I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist. Through the years with each year, it doesn't get better this condition only gets worse. I just need a soft place to land. Not even warm, just soft. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would cut myself, but I did, and now it's more and more and the pain is getting less and less. I just never wanted to make a mess for anybody and I never wanted it to coagulate and fuck it up.
some of this some of that the advice is deafening. I want someone to live inside my head. I don't think people have quite gotten the grasp there's two of me at the same time. NO NO NO I don't use this stupid mother fucking bullshit as an excuse I would rather kill myself then to keep doing this two things every fucking day. The frantic sobbing EVERY day really? you like that? really? you really think I "ME?" this "ME"? this person who has ran her life her whole fucking life with this shit and could manage it likes this. Mrs. Balls herself this way??? really???? you people think I like this???? I am using this as an excuse and some mornings I CAN NOT get out of my bed I wake up yeah WAKE UP crying YOU tell me why I would love to here YOUR theories on this. Then in 20 minutes I'm in a good mood then in an hour I'm agitated then within 2 hours I'm so tired I want to cry and dissolve and die. SO fuck all of you and my children, just get a teeny little job, get out, just stop, you're in control....this swirling, the noise, the static, the eeeeeeeekkkkkkk. I practically ive with an ipod in my head so I don't have to hear shit. Just music
The Hunting Knife
The wooden handle, or is it a deer antler I can't remember which one it is. I just know it's beautiful and I'm staring at it. And the blade is made with such precision thick, heavy, sharp, long blade then that teethy, serrated end. It's a bone breaker. I know, It's a beauty I bought it glistening in the night light of the moon. This blade so intricately made with an engraving on the one side, "Get your catch <3". This blade so intricately made to make a clean kill. To cut straight through, then the serrated end with a good pound can get through the cartilage and bone.
But no one tells you about the actual pain. The agonizing pain and then to have to watch this victim ratchet about in it's secret misery, with eyes glassing over unable to make a sound. But the hunter knows, he's done this before. Many times before just not to this extent and not to me.
As the blade went in it was hot like fire. The sounds of breaking cartilage and bones were deafening. Then he whispers in my ear "It's almost over". I feel my heart breaking, I think, but it's just him pulling the ribs apart so he can take my heart out. He whispers again, "It's mine" I can't think now. And I say to myself "it was always his" so I barely get the words out, " So why rip it out". The hunter whispers in my ear again while dripping my own blood, "So no one will have it, but me". But I think 'but I will die' the hunter says, "No you willl not die, you will just never love again, you have no heart". He holds his bloody hands out to me and shows it to me it's still beating hard and fast. That beautiful heart. I want to die.
But no one tells you about the actual pain. The agonizing pain and then to have to watch this victim ratchet about in it's secret misery, with eyes glassing over unable to make a sound. But the hunter knows, he's done this before. Many times before just not to this extent and not to me.
As the blade went in it was hot like fire. The sounds of breaking cartilage and bones were deafening. Then he whispers in my ear "It's almost over". I feel my heart breaking, I think, but it's just him pulling the ribs apart so he can take my heart out. He whispers again, "It's mine" I can't think now. And I say to myself "it was always his" so I barely get the words out, " So why rip it out". The hunter whispers in my ear again while dripping my own blood, "So no one will have it, but me". But I think 'but I will die' the hunter says, "No you willl not die, you will just never love again, you have no heart". He holds his bloody hands out to me and shows it to me it's still beating hard and fast. That beautiful heart. I want to die.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)