Happy Fucking Birthday

Fucking awesome today is my birthday 6 years longer than it should have been, yes I am 46 fucking years old my time limit was 40. AWESOME. But I did figure it out, it came to me yesterday. From a peice I wrote it must have been karma. I would love to say some days are better than others but really they are not. Unless I'm in the room with another human being or being spoken to. But left to my own devices I can't make any promises, not anymore. Long days long nights. Unless I'm put in a the care of the one that helped to cripple this

Get a grip, right? When your young it's so easy to do. I should know I did it, I fought for myself preservation on a daily basis because I had something to fight for. So shut the fuck up. Point to it now tell me what it is that I have. I have nothing anymore. I'm not published, I'm not teaching, I can't grip a knife, pull a trigger, no husband, no life, I go back and forth when I can't handle things so guess what "IT'S ME" it always has been, and I can't get a grip, try telling a cancer patient to "get over it" or someone with diabetes "suck it up" I've done all of the above. I was in "remission" the easiest way to look at it when you have had this disease your whole life but have either hid it, medicated it and did well, then BBBBOOOOOMMMMM the trauma yes dears the new traumas (as if the old traumas weren't bad enough...and they were pretty fucked up childhood traumas) To have adult to most they would be normal traumas well except for the getting the shit beat out of you trauma, and watching for a split second as he tried to beat the shit out of your kids. But when you were at work finding out he did what he did. Yes dears those traumas. But hey he is so fucking awesome now and I'm a liar. But I won't mention the other part because he's got someone so fucked up in the head with bullshit.

 But it's okay I don't care anymore, apparently mothers are a dime a dozen what am I talking about I didn't even have one. Well, they will grow to learn you will miss what you once had even if she was crazy because here's the deal. I DO love those kids and I had to let them go when the time was right. Each one practically sprinted from me. Jacob joined the Army and I never saw him again but three times, Jeremy left for Austin and I never saw him again, but once, and then there was Sarah Diann I am not even going to mention a word. It's a stab in my back and a stab in the face a stab in my heart over and over and over. Teenage angst, girls, the things they go through that boys do not, and Why can't you be like other moms, normal".  This is the funny thing, I knew when I was pregnant with her that she was going to hate me. I don't know how but I just did. I never told her this ever ever ever ever ever ever. Out of fear I suppose of not living up to her expectations.

Don't worry I am not lookiing for the mother daughter relationship in movies how gross...I just want a relationship built on love and trust. You are my best friend and you are brutally honest with me, and know everything there is to know about me. You are just like me in so many ways, in too many ways, so I can't be THAT bad. To me you are perfection, and beauty and a gift from God just like the boys. So talented and gifted. All three of my children, artists, musicians, intellectuals and hard workers so yes work ethic and proper manners. Thank YOU for keeping all those in your repetoire. So Happy Birthday to me. Those are the reminders to me that make my birthdays worth while that my job was well done. And do these creatures know how to have a good time yes they do, and I am glad for that. Can they look at a beautiful day and say holy fuck I'm taking advantage of this shit...yes they can. so Happy Birthday to me. Here's to being 46 six years passed my expiration date.

I won't even begin to discuss what's brought me here. The humiliation of mother's day. The non stop crying. Going back on medication. The suicidal ideations daily, hourly, and sometimes moment to moment. I knew I was going to return to my brother and sister and law's house this month, but the events leading up to this were unexpected and had I not left, there is probably no telling where I might have ended up. May has not been one of my better months. I made a choice a few months ago to go off meds because I felt like I could and plus they just weren't working for me. But as I'm finding out right now is not a good time to make this change.

The sweet taste of defeat ran across my lips.I mean really, as if the tears and anguish weren't bad enough, now just defeat. I couldn't stop those bitter and sad tears from falling. The days of pacing and raging." Would this be the day?", God damn I want to do it so bad but how, to make sure it's permanent, and I mean fucking permanent and instant within minutes, so there's no turning back, and NO CELL PHONE, I asked...how? how? how? without it getting fucked up. My heart had been ripped out, oh but not before the sharp blade had stabbed through the bones and you could feel and hear the cracking of bones. OH no not before you could feel the bleed. THEN could my heart be ripped out. That beautiful heart. But who gives a fuck right? it's only me and it's only mine.

Noone's listening, and if they are you know what they are saying. I can tell you. "Whatever, she wants attention" because she's been, "the bold, strong, survivor" or "the liar" so who cares. So it's like I'm in a well it's only my echo, the same sound reverberating. Over and over. Even if I scream no one will hear me. My heart is hurting and, yes, still beating to the point that I think it will explode with the pound. The pound, like a drum. It's still beating you see, and it's on display for everyone to see.

The bloodstained sadness, the tearstreaked madness. For everyone to see, and noone to notice. It's only me, "the bold one" so shake it free, let it be. So I retreat. Once again in defeat. So I take my bow.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired, years and years of being tired of being tired and not your kind of tired.

So I Retreat In The Sweet Taste of Defeat

The month of May a glorious month this has been I must say. One occurence after another has led to one defeat after another. I knew I was going to go back to my brother and sister and law's home this month but I didn't know that the events leading up to it would be detrimental. I haven't written in this place in a while because I've been too heavy to write, but for some reason today I felt the need to. I don't even know the last date of entry. I've really needed to talk to my children and that's just going going nowhere. But's that's fine I suppose. I've been told one thousand times, "they're grown and they have lives and other priorities, and someday they will come around",  choke it back, and smile then say, "I know". They reassure me that they love me that I'm the only mother they have. I smile, choke it back then say, "I know". Mother's day came and went, it was gross and humiliating. I tried to choke it back. Needless to say I didn't do very well at all. I guess you get what you deserve right?

The sweet tste of defeat, ran across my lips. As if the tears and anguish weren't bad enough now just defeat. I couldn't stop those bitter and sad tears from falling. The days of pacing and raging. Would this be the day I asked. I haven't scribed a decent word in moths. I couldn't hold a pen. It was like holding a bouolder. My heart had been ripped out ohmmmm but not before the shap
 I feel like noone is really listening, when I say what I say. It's like I'm talking in a well, it's like an echo reverberating and it's me I am hearing in return...just the same sound coming back, but worse. Even if I scream no one will hear me. My heart is hearting so that I think it will explode with the pound. The pound. Like a drum. It's still beating you see it's on display for everyone.

The blood stained sadness. The tear streaked madness. For everyone to see, a;nd noone to notice. It's only me you see "the bold one", "the liar", so shake it free, let it be. So I retreat. Once again in defeat.