"I've got this"

This will be my last confession. I was just too heavy for you to carry. I was too heavy for me to carry. I was weighed down and you shouldn't have let me touch the ground. I love you but I condemn you with this heart. I felt like my arms were around your neck and you just let me drown. So I ask is it worth the weight? Who was the killer in this? me or you? Me that's who. I chose this place so just STOP! This is where I want to be. I touched down now it's my place to pick myself back up I won't drown, not again.

I wasn't that strong, I couldn't take your sadness and mine. I wasn't finished and it kept going and it kept growing. Is that really what you wanted? So I stopped. I was going black I couldn't do what I was thinking and it was making me angry and angrier I just wanted to die I wanted the relief the peace. I was pissed because that's all I wanted and that's all I was thinking about and I was angry and you don't get it I was pissed because I wanted to fucking kill myself and wouldn't because of other people and that made me angry. What was stopping me? Who fucking cared. You didn't get it nobody gets it.That's all I want, that's all that I think about. "THIS" is my punishment to be awake and walk around hollow feeling. Oh, I know it doesn't look like it, and some days it doesn't even sound like, but I am. I'm tired, I'm so fucking tired everyday so I put on a show for everyone so they don't get alarmed, so I don't get the pats, the soothing talks, the "NO you shouldn't talk that way you have so much to live for blah blah blah" well I hate it here this place, every place, the talking points, the looks, the sighs ugh it's so annoying. So now I say to you, you can't have that peice of me again. NOBODY can I just won't allow it ever again. EVER! You make me scream and cry in my head and I refuse to cry anymore. So if I want to think what I think then I will and I do.

So now I have to put on the face that people want to see. And pretend or rather "choose" today to be. And maybe, just maybe if I keep doing this it "WILL BE" for real. And when I go by myself my mind doesn't cry and scream and swirl around with "different" thoughts. Maybe just maybe I won't get lost in my head thinking of something else sad or tragic.

Maybe.

And you can say this is me being melodramatic I don't care. So stop and just leave me alone. You have your own problems to deal with and your own sadness to deal with. Mine is mine. I need to get better for me finally it's like every 4 years something tries to take me down...not this year. God said to me in 2004 this isn't working for you and sat me on my ass, and I asked "really? not again!!!! I can't take this anymore" so I picked up and ran literally with kids in tow....then 2008 and now but God is good to me, and watches with one eye because he can't bear to watch with both eyes, because he knows me, the only one that does I get bumped and bruised and make messes and fuck it up, but I've fixed my messes this one has just taken the longest...2004 to 2012 I'm getting the hang of it now, "the definition of stupidity" ... this shit is mine, I own it. Don't worry "I've got this"