Lessons Learned

WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED?

To love me!
To fight back!
Never to trust anyone!
To look a person in the eyes! 
No know pain!
SURVIVE!!!

I've been to hell and back it's true from the time I was a child, but I wasn't the only one. I learned this at an early age, there's a lot of of us fighters running around. These beautiful minded people that had to put up with shit, and here's the deal we never asked why. I know I didn't, I never stomped my feet and gnashed my teeth I just dealt with it. Lessons are given to strengthen and test people's minds, body, and will. They can weaken you then strengthen you. Some can take you to the ground and never bring you back up, so you live with them simultaneously. Some lessons are so joyous and beautiful that you hold on them and cherish them. Those are the ones that you look back on and "remember" not all lessons are bad. Karma the come around go around, is good sometimes you get what you deserve and we all deserve GOOD.

Then there are the gifts you are given out of lessons. The blessings. These are the gifts and blessings you are given that far out weigh anything, or any lesson. These gifts teach you lessons you thank every God in the Universe for and they live inside you as if you had another heart. Today and everyday I am thankful for these gifts, they keep me alive, they keep me breathing. They push me to get better and to do better. I am also a gift you know from where I don't know but I am. Allowed to bring into the world three more gifts.

These gifts were given to me then I gave to the world, unwrapped and full of surprises, beautiful and amazing, talented, reckless, and full of love to give. I am speechless and in wonderment as to how much I love and miss these creatures. Everyday goes by and it's one more thing that makes me cry. I know they are grown I'm over that don't be stupid they have their own lives, but I'm going to miss something, something is going to be too late, I'm not going to be able to fix it, and it's going to be too late. It's just one more thing, one more glance in time I want back. Happy times. I just want to tell them I'm sorry and them know I mean it. I'm fucking dying here. I just don't know when it went bad 1999? Everything was perfect before that, not perfect but good another lesson learned. Then I went black and stayed. I'm sorry to Sarah Diann for having to reach out to Karen, to Jacob for seeking out anyone else but me, and Jeremy David well he stayed with me I guess he knew but he was tired of it, then man he graduated and he was OUT .....being "this" is horrible on kids just so you know. I just wanted Happy times. Then the end then 2004 was the end....Just a very very very very Long lesson. LESSONS LEARNED the hard way and at who's expense

The Bleed

The Bleed

The sadness the madness that lives within
Shed yourself this wicked skin
I daresay this darkness lives on and on like an endless soul
I pour out like a cut NOT a prick
The sting is unbearable
I push I trudge and for what I ask
I go nowhere, and for nothing for no task
I look and I look for not I see
Even you go past and wave but not at me
This pain is fierce this heat this burn I lie down to die with my eyes wide open.
I swallow the sky I kiss the stars he won't take me you know I am too broken.
So I hang my head and wish for peace the release to just bleed these tears ~ Cyndi, yes just me

This is Hell So Thank You God

Where do I begin. I'm fine today or at least so far. It started Tuesday with a blast from the past, the saga that continues to continue 16 years of dying a hundred times. I shouldn't have done what I did but I needed the fulfillment the touch the human connection. The wanton was there as it always is, always has been. But it causes yet another death inside of me. The corruption of my soul and my mind. I thought I would be like him the hunted with my steely knife with purpose, no emotion just do it and cut out the heart and move on. It was painless at first, no big deal. I should never have let him know where I was. Nobody has known where I was for years. Why did I do this? I let my guard down. Then the sick feeling came back, the doom. I spun out, I went black. Why and how can I do this? I thought I could control it this time. I have nothing this time do you understand NOTHING nothing. I was pissed I scrambled around trying to find something to not make a mess but it was inevitable there was going to be a mess. I couldn't do it again you see, not this time there would be a mess. I couldn't talk, I couldn't breath. What the fuck was I going to do this time. I had to think my way through this one. I was pissed. The panic what was I going to say? nothing, that's, what I was going to say, NOTHING. Pretend like it didn't happen. I know you don't get it, shut up or put up but it's not that easy not with this one. This is the history that you can't let go of. Not THIS history, not this bond, not this love. No you can't. This is the saddest story ever. WE both will admit to that. And we both can't let go, but why. Why the torture. Why me? It's brutal, it's painful and the pain in my stomach is beyond belief. The choke in my throat is inexplicable. My bones are tired, the swimming in my head, the lack of sleep, the talking to myself, no one could possibly understand.

This beautiful mind, this beautiful person struck down to her knees and all I've done was beg for forgiveness and ask to be loved. Why is it so hard to love me, no seriously why?  I have so much to give and so much to offer. People say 'Oh you must love yourself first before you can be loved'. That's the funny thing I do love myself , I have no problems with my self esteem. People have it wrong they think I do, but I don't. I am quite satisfied with myself. I've fucked up, but who hasn't. I'm not saying to the degree of mine, but they're mine. I'm not satisfied that I wrecked my career, but I deserve the chance to be forgiven, at least a chance.  Because I'm tired and my wanting to die doesn't mean I don't love myself or that I have low self esteem. Because I love this man doesn't mean I love him more than my own self that is not the case. I am greedy I want both and I'm not satisfied. I want the best of both worlds and it's frustrating that it's just not seen. My beauty, strength, integrity, fight, humor, intelligence, parent, empathy, will, love, kindness, and passion. The important things that make me, me. The beauty of me. The importance of me, the best qualities of me not just the fact that I can ride a motorcycle, not get lost, be independent, fierce, love animals, nature, not a snob, talk my way out of shit, be sexy, cook, climb a tree, hike, fall down and get back up and do it again. All the while be a survivor. I shouldn't have to make a list. Who am I trying to convince. Me or you?

So, now what? kill myself that's what I wish for DEATH. I've been tired for so long. I want 2004 back so I can fix it for all of us. I died that year and I've been walking around as someone else faking this shit. Paul fucked everything up on October 8, 2008 it would've been done, but he had to butt in my business. It would've been done. It was perfect. Now look at me I'm still here still fucked up and NOTHING is better NOTHING !!!!!!!. THIS IS WHAT GOD WANTED ???...SERIOUSLY???? punishment just punishment after punishment....nothing good has come of anything but more blackness, annihilation, and punishment. I'm so tired.